Allowing the Tests

I got a phone call recently from a family member who has struggled with drug addiction all of her life. She was back in the hospital due to her body breaking down from years of drug use. Every talk I had with her in the past, all the begging, pleading, angry feelings and sadness I had in the previous years fled away as I listened to the fear in her voice. My fear at this point is that once again she will check herself out of hospital against medical advice. Those we love who are held in the grip of drug addiction tear at out heartstrings and take us for a very sad ride. I have and will again do everything I can for her. I've never abandoned her and I won't now. I am planning to visit but I am NOT planning on giving her a stern talking to on the subject of how the drugs are destroying her. I have done all of this before. A few years ago I finally got to the place where I got out of God's way and stopped enabling her. In order for an addict to get clean (or not) it is their choice and the first thing we must do is step aside. Let them fall without us there begging, yelling, freaking out, and at our wit's end. I admit it is scary to let them go. It's scary to trust in God and get our hands and heart out of the equation. When I say our "hearts" out of the equation I don't mean we stop loving them, I only mean that we MUST have distance at this time for their sakes to allow them to fall without reaching out to stop or ease that plunge they are sooner or later bound to take. I am very afraid of losing her. I don't want her to die. I see it as such a waste if it takes her life in order for her to chase her next high. But here's what God has said to me regarding that:
God told me that we all must ALLOW THE TESTS in the lives of those we love. He has given all of us FREE WILL and whatever comes of this will be of her own doing and by her own hand. There, I said it. Simple huh? No, not quite. All my life I have wanted to have some control over helping those I love in order for them to be ok. This is a control issue that I am dealing with and am much better than I used to be. So here's what I've decided... I will allow my loved one's test. I will love her and be there for her. I will not preach at her or scold her. If I did, it would only be repeating what she ALREADY knows and has heard from me many times before. Please keep this loved one of mine in your prayers, she is very special to me.

The Neglected Children of Drug Addicted Parents

I can think of nothing worse than to be raised by drug addicted parents. The children who live this hellish existence find that they are always at the mercy of their addicted parent's whims. We all know that you cannot reason with or live around a drug addict without it messing you up in your mind, body and spirit. We as adults can get away from this situation. But the children who are under the care of these addicts have no way of escape.
There are many detrimental effects of living in a home with a drug addicted parent:

1. Severe Neglect: The children often are not fed, cleaned, or watched properly. The addict cares more about what they need than what their kids need. This will be how it is until the children are taken out of the home or the addicted parent gets clean. I am not talking about a simple matter of lack of choice of foods available to the children. I am talking about NO food for the children. Many addicted parents will take their support check and use it for drugs while leaving their children without basic food, clothing, and adequate essential needs for existence.
2. The Parents Who are Never There: Most addicted parents will leave their children with other people while they are out having a high old time. They cannot be bothered with being responsible for caring for their kids because they are totally irresponsible. So they will run off and leave their children alone or with younger siblings and this is when accidents and abuse happens as well as other situations that will scar these kids for life.
   
3. Physical and Mental Abuse: Drug addicts are notorious for abusing others. And the child who is stuck in a home with an addict for a parent will no doubt suffer much physical and mental abuse at their hands. An addict is prone to taking out their frustrations on others around them and the child stuck in a home with these people as parents are always the ones who are subjected to the most extreme forms of abuse.
   

These precious kids will suffer LACK on all levels. They will lack nurturing, adequate food and shelter and most of all, love. An addict does not love himself or he wouldn't do the things he does. He only keeps one thing as the centerpiece of his life - his drug of choice.

If you know of a child who is perhaps in danger due to living with a drug addicted parent, contact your authorities.

To report abuse, you can always call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

If the abuse is a life-threatening emergency, call 911.

For Every Addict, The Hammer Will Drop

An addict will go on abusing drugs until some tragic event in their destructive life forces them to stop. I have had experience with addicts and I would say that for 90 % of them, it takes some really BAD times for them to stop. Most of them are incarcerated and some of them suffer severe health problems which stops them in their tracks. This is best for the addict because most of them won't come to the end of themselves and stop using unless the hammer drops (right on top of their heads).

This is because drug addicts are notorious for pushing the envelope. They have no control over themselves or their erratic lives. Many addicts will find themselves looking at a very long prison sentence because for years they have seemed to escape the consequences that all of the rest of us have had to pay.

But rest assured, someday the piper will have to be paid. That long awaited past due bill will have to be paid. The addict will end up having to pay the painful price of giving drugs his heart and soul.

But when the addict finally has to suffer these consequences, there is newfound hope for him. He is now forced to think about his life and how he has lived it.
He sees how empty his life has become and is now able to reflect on how many times he has hurt those who love him.

He is alone, frightened, without his comforter (his drug of choice) and it is in this time that he will turn to God IF he doesn't continue on in his stubbornness. God is waiting, he has always been waiting for this person to turn to him so that he could know what living a life truly can be. A real life is one in which you love others and love God, your creator. It is one in which you are not concerned about self, but concerned for the feelings and well-being of others. These things are foreign to those who are still abusing drugs. But the hope is there when the addict comes to the long end of himself.

Conquering Addiction: Who's in charge?

Seeing someone you love struggle with a drug addiction or other addiction will wear you down mentally. It will depress those who seem to be of the strongest character. Those who feel as though they can do something to free their addict of the prison of drugs are the ones who will be in for the biggest fall and let downs of life. This is because there is nothing you can DO to stop your addict from using. You, their loved ones are totally powerless in this matter. The addict has lost control of his or her life and you as their loved one can never gain back that control of what they have lost. It is not in our power to do such things.

We all sit idly by and must watch the devastation and chaos that is their life unfold as they veer further off the right course in life.

What spouse of an addict has not experienced these feelings of helplessness? Which parent of the addict has not known the depths of this decline? We know all too well. Conquering drug addiction is the job of the addict coupled with the love and support of those around him.

The addict is the one who has allowed the addictive substance into his life. It was his open arms that welcomed it. If addiction is to be conquered, it must be the addict who severs the relationship once and for all.

Many addicts wish to pull their loved ones into the fray by begging and pleading for help from them. Now we as their loved ones wish to help in whatever way we can for as long as possible, but it is ultimately up to the addict to get clean and to stay clean. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Why do many addicts seem to go on for many years without getting clean and changing the course of their lives?

I believe that many of them continue on in their addictions far longer than they would have to because they are being enabled by those who love them.

Well meaning loved ones will often give money and other means to score drugs to their addicted loved ones and this will enable the addict to carry on his dangerous lifestyle. I have enabled addicts before, but I don't anymore.

When the loved ones of addicts fully grasp the truth that their addict cares more for the drugs than they do them, this is when the enabling behavior stops.

The addict truly does care more for their drug of choice more than they do their loved one's feelings or needs. This is sad but true. The structure that surrounds the drug addicts life is totally geared toward scoring and doing more drugs. This is what it's all about for them. The addict may care about what his actions are doing to you, it's just that when the rubber meets the road, they care more about their drugs.

Many years ago I decided I would stop enabling the addicts in my own life and would turn all of my cares and worries about them over to the lord in prayer. This is when my life took a turn for the better. Giving into an addicts whims is draining. It will depress you and take your life away if you let it. All of you who are in a similar circumstance must let go and let God get into the center of your addicts destructive mess which is his life.

Drug Addiction and the Teeter-Totter Ride

If you are the loved one of a drug addict, you will experience times in which the addict seems to do better. But this phase of the addicts see-saw ride usually only lasts for a short time.

From time to time he or she may appear to have turned over a “new leaf”. Some addicts go through this in an honest attempt to get clean. Some addicts will turn over this new leaf temporarily in order to get you to back off, stop nagging them, or so that you will stay in a bad relationship. The addict may also show this better side of himself in order to appease you so that you will keep handing out money for drugs, shelter, or to supply him with what he needs to survive. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he would never do this to you. To think this way is to be naïve. I like to think that many of the addicts go through this abrupt new leaf because they are honestly trying to get clean and clean up their act. But this is not always the case.

Why does it hardly ever last? Why does this "new leaf" always turn?

The reason the addict tends to go back to the drugs is because they are still chasing the high, they are still being bitten by the bug of addiction. They are trying to gain the intensity they had the first time they were turned on to the drug. Each and every time they do drugs, they believe they will achieve this. But they end up only having to do more and more drugs to gain the euphoria they had the time previous. Their lives are totally dedicated to obtaining the drug and using it. Addicts have a tough time facing the truth and cannot live in reality. They are masters at deception because that is the chief tool they use in order live the life they do. Their survival depends on this ability to manipulate. Getting their family to feel pity and sorrow for them is only one of the manipulative tools they use and keep at their disposal. I don’t like having to be so blunt in my writings about this because I still have loved ones who are addicted. I want you to know that I still have hope for them. One good way I have to get my emotions out and to help others who are like me is to write about the times that are difficult. I don’t want to come off as being overly pessimistic. There are many addicts who get clean and stay clean. But it is a hard task. And if you are the spouse or other loved one of the addict, it is not an easy mission for you to keep yourself in the addicts world.

The effects are overwhelming:

The loved ones of addicts find this back and forth lifestyle distresses them to no end. It causes them to be angry, resentful and sad. And who could blame you? You live with a person who is hitting the dope more than ever, then that person turns over this “new leaf”. You are so thankful for this change in them. You can hardly believe it, but don’t want to jinx it so you keep your mouth shut and try to be positive and happy about it. The gloriousness of this lasts around two or three weeks at best and the next thing you know, one day your addict doesn’t come home from work and won't contact you.

You hope that he hasn’t been arrested or in a wreck. After this fear passes, you might even feel guilty that you nagged him last week over some insignificant issue. After a few more long hours pass, this guilt is replaced by the anger you feel over the entire situation. You pause only for a moment to give way to the panic you hold inside. What if he has used again?

You eventually do find out that he has used again. You probably won’t find this out because he confesses. You may find some stuff on him or smell it on him. Then you must face the denials, raging, and fighting. At some point during all of this being rehashed you may even feel like giving up. You think to yourself once again, "What’s the use"? You cannot control him or spend the rest of your life baby-sitting him and you certainly don’t trust him to tell you the truth and to get clean.

So what do you do? You stay in the same situation you have become accustomed to. Many times it’s because you have a fear of being without him and on your own. It also crosses your mind that he needs you in his life and you pity him. And so the cycle continues again. This teeter-totter ride will never stop until you decide to get off it. And when you do, it will not be painless. It will be sorrowful, unusual and very terrifying. But what do you face if you don’t? The same old ride.

There is always an end to it

You still have hope for the addict. This is the prime reason you haven’t left him yet. But sometimes, your staying is not beneficial for him. Sometimes, our love and support for the addict is too much and it gets in the way of their wellness. How does this happen? We enable their behavior and never recognize that our actions are getting in the way of them getting themselves cleaned up.

The teeter-totter life the addict leads is one that will draw us in and depress us. There is no doubt that the addict is depressed, but those of us who live with them or see them on a regular basis will easily find ourselves visiting the depths of depression as well. You cannot help another if you have nothing to give. If you stay with your addict, just know that until they hit their own personal bottom and suffer extreme loss due to the dangerous and selfish life they lead, you will be staying on that see-saw, riding right along with them.

Losing a loved one to addiction

Sometimes, despite our best efforts to intervene and help our loved ones out of the trap of addiction, the battle ends with it costing them their lives.

What can you say? Who do you turn to for answers? There is nothing you really can say or do once they are gone because then it's too late, we cannot get them back.

We can't see why it has come to this. We cannot be comforted.

Their death serves as a sobering example to all of us, their loved ones that:

A substance has the potential to gain control over a person to the extent that they hand that precious life over to the addiction that controls them.

Their very life is pawned off to the addiction that drives them.

I have lost friends to addiction over the years.

How does this make me feel? I feel robbed. Addiction is a thief that will take those we love, change them for the worst, control them to the point which we cannot reason with them in the least.

I feel angry that a substance would gain control over and claim the lives of those I hold dear. I feel a little irritated that someone of such worth and potential was robbed because of the destructive and selfish choices they made.

I feel numb.

Our warnings to our loved ones often fall on deaf ears.

This is why their death leaves us numb, angry, irritated and distraught.

Addicts lead dangerous lives. They are often entangled with dealers, many of whom they owe money to. This is only one of the dangers they willingly subject themselves to.

Some cannot bear facing another day if they cannot do so with the drugs that have become their entire life. Because of this, some will choose suicide as a way out.

I have lost loved ones to suicide which was directly related to drugs.

The drugs became everything to them and so, continuing life with the thought of having to do without them, they couldn't comprehend.

My heart and prayers go out to those who have lost a loved one to drug addiction. I do feel your pain. I know the struggle to understand why it had to come to this.

Here's only some of what I've come to understand: An addict is selfish. They don't mean to be, they just are.

When they are driven by drugs, they don't think about us, their loved ones. We seldom cross their minds. When their destructive lifestyle ends up costing them their lives, we are the ones left here to deal with the grief, questions and heartbreak.

There are no easy answers. In life there are very seldom easy answers.

We must learn from the bad and heartbreaking times of life as well as the good and joyous times. This knowledge helps us to live life to its fullest, but is often painful.

Losing an addict to their addiction is in my opinion one of the most painful events we will ever encounter.

Lessons learned from enabling

Are you a crutch for your addict? If you are new to breaking enabling behaviors perhaps some of my history will help you.

One time I put off a weekend of R+R in order to bail a family member out of jail. At the time, as I can recall, I was chomping at the bit to free him from that wretched place, County lock up.

What's utmost in my mind NOW is that I was in such a frenzy to bail him out that I gave little thought as to why he was locked up in the first place!

Was I in my right mind? Was I thinking clearly? Most surely not.

What was my problem? I had gotten into a cycle of enabling or "helping" him.

I often write on drug addiction, yet there is an addiction that a high percentage of us who would never touch drugs have a lifelong battle with - that of Enabling.

I cared more about my drug and law abuser's comfort than I did about him.

I cannot make it more plain.

He was in discomfort. He wanted out of jail. He didn't want to face the consequences of his actions and he wanted to use again.

I can see all of this much more clearly now than I did then. As a matter of fact, I don't think I had any clarity at that time. I had one thing on my mind, getting him his freedom.

I was in discomfort watching his discomfort.

Did I want him to go back out on the street and use drugs? NO.

Did I wish for him to escape the consequences (Jail) for his actions? No.

But I wanted justice and clarity to come to him in a way that was comfortable for him.

I wanted him to get better, and all I knew was jail wasn't the way!

What did I know?

I also kept replaying the same old line in my mind over and over again: "This won't happen again, "He's learned his lesson from this". Looking back, from how I've grown since those years, I cannot fathom that I would think and say those things and here's why:

How could he "learn from this", when I would run to his rescue and fetch him out of the hands of the very ones who could help him? He'd call me up and I'd come running.

But all it really adds up to is I thought I knew what was best for him. I was wrong.

Just as the addict must come to the end of himself, so must the enabler come to the end of himself. And this took me years.

Given time, we will get to the place in which we can say as I can now, "I was wrong". We have the best of intentions, true, but our good intentions doesn't mean it's in the best interests of the addict.

I know this now.

You can apply this to a drug addict but also to any type of person who is overly dependent and will refuse to face consequences in life and pull themselves out of their self made messes.

If you are the crutch they rely on, you must remove yourself and allow them to walk unaided and on their own. When they stumble and fall, as they most likely will, look at it as a giant step forward for them and not a step back.

I assure you, they will fall, the only question is how many times will it take before they have finally gained enough strength to walk on their own.

Get out of God's way! Stop enabling the ones you love!

Do you have someone in your life who seems to always teeter on the edge of trouble? Someone you love very much, yet you seem to be at a loss as far as "helping them" is concerned?

Are they continuously caught in a trap of their own making? Are you finding yourself following behind them, attempting to clean up their messes and wondering how their mess became your own?

If you can relate to the above, then this article may save you future pain and heartache.

This writing applies to anyone who's loved one is trapped by an out of control lifestyle.

Enabling ends up hurting those we enable much more than it does us. We are thinking we're helping those we love when what we're really becoming to them is a crutch. A sorry stand in for a life of making responsible decisions and taking positive actions. They become addicted to our help. In the end they cannot function without us propping them up. If we attempt at any time to withdraw our enabling behaviors, they will squall like babies and then we truly find we have a mess on our hands.

As time goes by I meet more and more people who have little or no control over the most important areas of their lives. This chaos that many live under seems to know no boundaries. At one point in my life, I was a chronic enabler of many.. I was one of those people that others looked to in order to depend on. But you see, I lost "myself" due to my constant catering to and problem solving all in the name of "others" that was going on. Many times in my past, before God straightened me out, I would complain about my life and many times was heard to say "I don't have a life".

Have any of you made a statement like that?

Looking back on those times, it was true. I did not have a life. But one thing I always failed to see was whose fault it was that I didn't. It was my own, that's what I had to realize, and in time I did.

By the time I had come to this realization, I would be totally burned out from the hours spent worrying or doing for others. Precious time that I could not get back. But do not think that those I was doing for lost a night of sleep over me. They would, in the end and much to my distress, still be living the destructive and dangerous lives they had for many years. My actions and help did not change them, did not help them, if anything it had made them worse.

I would pray for people who were trapped by the nets of their own making and nothing - not even prayer seemed to help them. I struggled to look at myself and learn if there was something I was leaving out, something I'd neglected doing for or saying to them.

It was then that I heard as plainly as I can explain to you now..

"What aren't you doing for them"? The answer? NOTHING

I had been available to them in every way imaginable. If he or she needed money, I was their bank. If they needed a baby sitter while they went out to paint the town red and maybe even get into a little mischief, I was their nanny. If I had important plans, they were all gone at the drop of a hat if I was called on to "help out" those who could never manage to help themselves. There was no limit to my helping.

Gradually I got worn down and discouraged. I could not say NO to them when they called on me for my help. Like so many others who are enablers, I was blinded by my love and concern for them. I had never once stopped for a second to realize that by my helping, I was prolonging that inevitable area of their lives that they had to get fixed.

The part where they must take responsibility for their own actions and their own life.

I couldn't see that no matter what I was able to do for them, that in the end, they would have to face responsibility and make choices themselves without me near them, without me giving them advice, handouts,etc.

One very important will that God has for all of our lives is that of being a responsible and mature adult. And I had been blocking God's will for the ones I was constantly enabling. This leads me to relate a very painful fact of life-----it's your life, God gave you only one, and it's far too short for us to scramble around "enabling" those who have chosen to lead a destructive lifestyle. Life is too short on this earth for you to be concentrating every fiber of energy you have on those who haven't hit rock bottom yet.

What is rock bottom? It is the place that all of us will arrive at if we continue to buck against what is Godly and Holy.

It is being in the "gutter" without anyone to call out to and to help us except God himself. The prodigal son went there to this place I speak of and was the better for having arrived there. I have been there. If one continues in sin, they will understand what Rock Bottom is. But only if they are absent of the enabler in their life.

We often feel "sorry"" for those we are enabling. I was one of these. I know what I am talking about. I thought on this : If I was leading a destructive life - a life in which I shirked responsibilities and did nothing to help myself but relied on everyone else to take care of me, would I expect to gain the sympathies of others? NO Would I expect it ? NEVER

Get out of God's way

It was during an especially painful run in with a friend who had gotten himself in financial trouble that I finally realized the truth. The more we bail people out of their problems and tragic situations, the longer it takes for them to change.

If you had the choice between a get out of jail free card or a two year jail term, which one would you choose?

The truth is that if you want to play, *lead a destructive and dangerous lifestyle* then you have to pay. Consequences are harsh, yet how many are not willing to pay the consequences for their selfish and destructive actions?

People who are still leading destructively selfish lifestyles are only continuing in them because they are not allowed to hit rock bottom. They have not had to face the consequences of their actions. They have not had to face to consequences of the sad life they have led. They are not allowed to get down in the muck and mire and face what they and their life has become due to their own wrong and selfish choices. Others are never forced to stop due to their alternative options plan (the enabler in their life). In essence, they are still being given the option of that get out of jail free card by someone - And who offers it? Their "enabler" does every time they choose to bail them out of their latest "mess".

Love

It is simply because we do love them that we must choose to stop enabling them, We must allow them to grow up and be responsible for their own lives and actions.

Chronic enabling only lengthens the time that the destructive person stays in his current messy situation.

If and when you decide to stop aiding in their prolonged agony by enabling them, your loved one will swear that you never loved them. They will say you are the most selfish person on earth. A little ironic isn't it? You and I, the very ones who have been unselfish and catering to their every whim and THEY now characterize US as selfish. Don't be astonished at this. All they've been used to is how you've catered to their desires and needs. They have known nothing else from you. They have known no other side of you other than this one they've been used to for so long. It is just like a little child who wants something, you hold it back from him and he throws a tantrum.

Managing their own lives

What you can't see right now is what will become of them after they've stepped up to the task of managing their own life. It's always tough to think of ourselves while a loved one is going through pain, We feel like we are not worthy to say NO to anyone except ourselves. I know this was true for me. I felt I was expendable when it came down to doing for me or for others.

It is essential that you stop enabling those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, God cannot do for them while you have your hands in matters that can only be fixed through him.. Along with the troubled person's quality choices.

The father in the prodigal son did not go out looking for his Son. He stayed home, and when the son came to himself he returned and he returned better than he was before he left his father. He had to go through pain and loss before he came to himself.

Our children grow up, become responsible and mature adults and leave us to begin their own lives, this is often a sad time but it is also a blessing and a fact of life. In the same way, those we love MUST grow up, become mature adults, responsible for their choices and actions and accept the circumstances of both.

Path of the Prodigal

The Prodigal Son was on the mountain top when he set out to squander his inheritance. He did not consider his Father, brother, or certainly the future, until he suffered loss, hit rock bottom, and was humbled. Do you have a person you love in your life that fits this description? If so, maybe this article will help.

It is tiring to watch someone destroy their life. It wears us down both physically and mentally to watch a loved one continuously make choices that harms himself and others.

Many times we allow our hopes to get high, just to watch them crushed when our expectations for another's life do not pan out. Our expectations of those we love who are walking down a destructive path should be just this - that sooner rather than later, he will come to the end of himself, hopefully before the cost of his rebellion is too great for him to bear the loss of.

When it seems as if prayer is not working, what's really going on?

Take a person who we've prayed for over the course of many years. We've prayed for this person to be delivered from a destructive lifestyle, only years later to be plunged into reality when we get the call that he's attempted suicide or worse.

Were the years we spent praying for him in vain?

The answer is no. No prayer prayed in sincerity and in faith is ever in vain.

So what happened?

He or She has not hit their Rock Bottom.

He or She has not been humbled.

He or She has not lost enough.

In other words, he or she has not had their full prodigal son experience just yet - But it's coming.

The experience

This prodigal son experience has taken place in my own life as well as in the lives of others I know.

Many I know are still out there either living it up as the prodigal son did, OR are in the process of losing all they have, as the prodigal son did in the end- Including Pride. Trust what I'm telling you, pride is always the last to go.

See, the thing is, when we have things going our way and well for us while in sin, we don't need anything, but it's more than this.

The more headstrong and stubborn we are, the longer this journey toward humbleness takes. And when humbleness sets in-freedom from Sin is not far behind.

The prodigal Son, after living it up, (Luke 15;13 there wasted his substance with riotous living.) and losing all he had, finally came to himself. (Luke 15;17: And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.) he was humbled.

The prodigal son went through famine, but notice, he did not immediately go back to his Father in his need,

instead, he turned to another person, who in turn, sent him off to feed his swine..What a job huh? If that will not humble you, I don't know what would. And keep in mind, this son had never known the depths of feeding swine. But he soon would.

Luke 13;15: And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.

Luke 13;16; And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

This man was suffering loss, he was in need, yet no man gave unto him..

In order to change, you have to suffer loss. Loss does something to us, and the greater the loss, the greater our need is to be delivered from ourselves-hence, God, that is IF we have indeed been humbled enough.

Who knows? Perhaps we're going to try to depend on ourselves or others for rescue out of our troublesome journey instead of God. It wouldn't be the first time..

We will turn to God if we're not deluded enough to believe that WE are able to continue down the same destructive, dead end road, never getting anywhere.

Help For those who are involved

The most important help I can offer to those who are having to sit by and watch this heart wrenching journey of another?

1.Offer up continuous prayer for the person

2.Do not enable the person's rebellion to God by giving comforts that would reinforce and prolong their rebellion to God. Remember the Father in the Story in the BIBLE. He didn't go after the Son, didn't enable the Son, that would be getting in God's way.

3. If the person is in denial, do not excuse their behavior and waste your time or life listening to their lies.

A person living in denial of their sins has not reached the bottom at all. They are denying because they wish to continue their present way of life. To face the truth would be to face and take responsibility which would mean to turn from sin. That's the problem, they are enjoying their way of life still. Let them suffer great loss because of it and then they'll see it all in a new and different light, until then, don't tear yourself up worrying about them.

What did the Father do while his Son was gone?

He didn't chase after him. Instead, when the son came to himself, (his wilderness experience completed) the son returned to the Father:

Luke 13;20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

A person who is gone astray from God and who will not change should be left alone to himself and God. How else is he going to be humbled and come to the end of himself if you are taking care of all his needs and catering to him while all the while he is destroying himself?

Where do we, the ones who love them fit in?

We are sometimes one of the casualties and sacrifices of their choices in life. We are sometimes left in the dust by the destructive choices they make during their rebellion to God. But that's what pride and selfishness brings with it : pain, sadness, grief and worry to those who love those who are in rebellion to God.

A person leading a destructive lifestyle has no time to think of you and your welfare. They cannot, everything is about what they want or what they think they need.