Elderly Narcissists: Any Hope for Improvement?

From what I've read, the jury is still out regarding whether a narcissist gets better or worse with age.
Based on my personal experience, my elderly narcissist "seems" better at times. However, just when I'm about to rejoice over her change for the better, and thank God for it, she will act out once again and throw me for another loop.
Before going into more details on my view of elderly narcissists, I want to give some background history of my dealings with narcissists.
My mother is a narcissist. She was a "queen" narcissist during her younger years and in her late 60's she transformed into a "hermit" type of narcissist. She stayed home, was glad for her isolation and demanded that we her "subjects" would wait on her hand and foot. But before this, when I was a small child, I lived in fear of my mother constantly. She cared only about her needs and what it would take to get them met and that usually involved using people. I always felt like I was in her way and as though I was a type of inanimate object. She would say things to belittle me. I could walk into the room looking like a million bucks and she would tell me how horrible my hair was or badger me about a wrinkle in my shirt. These frequent nit-picking sessions bothered me but I learned to live with them. She wanted me to fight with her, she wanted to get under my skin. I learned that when she would go full steam with the put-downs, I would respond with the following: "Oh really? Well, I'll have to fix that" (regarding the shirt wrinkle or my hair out of place). I am a Christian and had I not known God , Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit from a young age, it would have definitely put me at a disadvantage in dealing with my narcissistic mother.
You who have dealt with narcissists will understand that there is no "cure" for them so to speak. Over the years I had tried being super-nice to her. Treating her that way made her run over me all the more. I prayed for her, I took care of her every need and that didn't do any good. I have ALWAYS held out hope for my mother while constantly being on guard so as to not let her damage me and the ones I love. I cannot tell you the number of times I flung the phone across the room after having talked with her. I had to watch myself over the years because dealing with a narcissist can turn you into someone you don't want to be.
Narcissists are "little" people who demand to be treated like royalty. With my mother, a trip to the grocery store was sure to create a good serving of drama. You see, mother didn't think she had to wait in line like the other customers. She would badger me and the cashiers non-stop about having to wait in line. The sense of entitlement is always a big thing with narcissists. They truly believe they are not like others. They expect to be treated as "special" while viewing those around them as irrelevant nothings or "less than them" or as their slaves. Mother would try to pit me and my other family members against each other and I'm sorry to report that it did work with a few of them. Some of my family members listened to mothers lies and I have not had them in my life for many years. The slander, lies, and gossip was never ending.
Now getting back to the elderly narcissist: Around 8 years ago I finally got better at dealing with my mother. I remember the day when the Lord said to me: "Don't Fear Her", but stand up to her and tell her when she is treating you and others wrong".
I started doing that and most of the time it worked. She got the picture pretty quick that I did not want to listen to her gossip and I would defend those she abused. All of my life she had cut down my dad and she treated him so horrible. One day while she was on a full-tilt bashing session of him I told her, "Mom, I am not coming to see you anymore if you EVER talk bad about dad again. He takes care of you and loves you and you should not be treating him the way you do". She turned her head away, full of anger that I would dare tell her what to do. Her silent treatment went on for a good ten minutes but I will tell you this, she didn't run him down any more after that, at least not to me. I'm sure that everyone else she saw after I finally stood my ground got a double portion of her criticisms of my dad though. I started to stand up for myself and others when I was around my mother from the very day that God got through to me.
As the years went by, mother grew more dependent on me because I was her only care giver. All of the other family members she had alienated through years of abuse and through infighting and trying to manipulate each other. If you have more than one narcissist in your family, things can get really messy quite frequently. I cannot tell you how many times I almost went no-contact with her because of her behavior. To this day I have stayed in contact with her and have taken care of her needs. Recently I was having a discussion with another family member about mother. I had said that she seems "better" than she used to. They told me that they believe that if she were younger, and less dependent, she would be her same critical and narcissistic self. They said that because she is old and dependent upon others that has seemed to make an improvement in how she treats (some) people now. They believe she has NOT change one iota and if given a chance, her sting, like that of a scorpion, is still just as lethal as it ever was. I tend to agree with them. First off, she is more docile and less malicious when I am in her presence because she knows I won't allow her behavior. And who does she really have but me? She knows my limit and if I see her act out I will call her on it. Narcissists know who the push-overs are. They know who they can fool and who will stand their ground. So in conclusion, I believe that many elderly narcissists tend to put on an act. They seem like they have improved in their behavior, but not without reason. They are dependent on others to such a degree that they must curb their nasty behavior or else they would suffer. I grew up seeing how my mother treated those who had something to offer her. If you had nothing to offer her, she had no use for you. This is very sad and unsettling but it is right on the money. Narcissists are users and abusers. It is their way or the highway. They treat their children like tools. Our feelings don't matter. When God got through to me, my mother would attempt to belittle me as always but I would call her on it. What would she say every time? "You're just too sensitive". She would apologize for nothing, you see she was never wrong. She was the queen and everyone else's hopes, needs, time, was irrelevant. It is a sick game that narcissists play and make no mistake, by believing that your elderly narcissist is all better since they've grown older is dangerous. Within the frail little old lady there is still most likely a scorpion ready to strike out at any new prey. Don't let down your guard if you must spend time with them.

Unemployed Are Lazy? Think Again

Checking out my local message board, I ran across plenty of comments on unemployment numbers and the topic of extending unemployment benefits. It saddened me to run across many
on that board who were calling those who receive Unemployment benefits "lazy". Those getting benefits are NOT lazy people who are sucking money out of our system. I've read so many comments of those who say they believe that if a person has been on unemployment benefits for over 40 weeks, they would have surely found a job by now had they really wanted to work.

Those who say such things only prove to me that their time of hardship is coming. Their pink slip is right around the corner. Isn't it easy for those of 
us still working to judge those who are not? My friends, these ideas are wrong. The Bible teaches
us that we should take care lest at any time we should fall from our own steadfastness. At the
precise time we are so sure that our income could never stop flowing in and our ability to put food on the table is
not in jeopardy is the same time out of left field WE will find ourselves in the unemployment line.
It only serves to show me the stupidity of those who trust it will never happen to them. Folks, this
has or will happen to all of us at one time or another. And those of us who are blessed to have a job now should 
spend some time praying for and helping those who are less fortunate. But instead what do we do? We have a tendency to bash them and to
judge them. I am truly sorry for the millions who are in dire straights because their benefits are about to run out. Those who
are going to have to move in with family long term because they cannot make the rent or house payment anymore. 
Those who must decide what to do for dinner tonight are many and those who cannot afford to put gas in the tank are growing every
single day.


Here are only a few examples of the negatively charged posts on one particular board:

"Like this is a big shocker! There ARE jobs out there along with a lot of folks who just don't want to work! I see hiring signs all around the city. I so agree with putting them to work for the State. Let them earn the unemployment checks! It would be a Win Win for all involved".

"You just said what the problem is. Some people stay on unemployment because they get more money on unemployment than if they went out and got a job! That is exactly what is wrong with the system. I do not care what kind of a job they had before. Things change. Many of the old jobs are never coming back. They need to go get a job. Any job and take responsibility for themselves. There are statistics that show that when peoples benefits are ready to run out they get a job either the week before or within one week after. So extending the unemployment benefits just extends unemployment. How long are the taxpayers going to have to support these people? And it is the taxpayers if they are on the extended benefits. Nobody owes these unemployed a check for life. There is also a thought out there that after the first benefits run out the extended benefits should have to be paid back. I like that idea. Why shouldn't they have to pay it back"?


I found an excellent example of Christian encouragement on these boards in reply to "unwanted's" post:

unwanted wrote: 
""I am so glad your optimistic but I guess your not receiving UI. I was laid off and I have a MA and 20 years behind of field experience and I have not been able to get a job for the past ten months. UI was the only thing I had to avoid bankruptcy. If the bill is not passed this Monday, I would have to sell my furniture to pay the rent and file bankruptcy. I am already $40k behind bills, not including student loans which are never forgiven due to the recession. I would even accept a state job at a pay of 30K if they would take me, but their are no jobs and most of the university students are used as interns so employers do not have to hire someone or pay an intern"".

reply below:
 
"Hang in there hon, things will get better. It's tough I know but believe me when I say there are a lot of people who feel your pain, myself included, and we are praying for all of those on unemployment who really do want jobs. Even people like yourself who have a decent education can't even get a job so what should that tell people!! Good luck w/ everything and keep your head up, lean on God and he will pull you through this".

Now this is how we are supposed to encourage and support those who are struggling with tough economic times.


Now look at the desperate actions some have taken in order to make money in this struggling economy:

"are we all insane...........................
there are millions of us here without a job
we all can not be that bad that we can not find work. 
It is amazing that my friend that is 50 years old, chemist, is now selling porn online.
amazing, every night he lies to his wife and children
another friend has sold her body just to pay bills......and she was a general mgr of a all clothing company.
the problem I see is getting everyone together ...most people just will not respond any longer.

Unheard of for a person to sell their body to make a living? No. This will quickly become the norm if drastic measures are not taken quickly by our government and each and every one of us to help out the unemployed. A thought came to me a week or so ago about starting a food and clothing pantry out of my home. I have no idea if I would need a license to do this or not. I could never undertake something like this on my own but would ask all of my friends and family to help donate if possible. I feel as though this is what God would have me to do instead of doing nothing. It is said in the bible that it is not enough for us to tell a hungry person to depart, be warm and fed, etc. Telling them this without supplying what we can to those in need is hypocritical and is of no value. God help us, because what is coming is going to be far worse than what we have witnessed so far.

More Mortgage Re-Sets Through 2012

Today I stumbled upon a troubling article from Karl Denninger. I had heard that the ARM *adjustable rate mortgage* mess was not over yet no matter how rosy a picture those on CNBC try to paint for us. The fact is; we are not out of the woods yet in relation to the mortgage meltdown we've been dealing with since 2007. The Alt-A, but more incredibly, the Option ARMs mortgage payments are going to be resetting (jacked-up) starting this year and if we think the Sub-prime was bad, we haven't seen anything yet.

Just think of it this way: Your mortgage payment you took on 5 years ago has been $900.00 a month UNTIL May 2010. Starting at that date your mortgage payment will now be $1900.00! It's been verified that on average the rise in these mortgage payments will reflect an eye-popping $1000.00 more a month!

Now I don't have a mortgage but that doesn't keep me from telling you what I would do if I did have one and was up against such a dower prospect. I would WALK AWAY! Yes folks, I would walk away and not fret about the situation nor look back. I would rent because that is all I suspect I would be able to do after having stopped paying my mortgage payments. Well, I would hope so at least. I hear of many sad stories of previous home owners walking away from their homes only to be turned away from renting due to poor credit that was directly attributed to the former.
How many can say they would be able to pay that large of an increase on their house payment? Not many I suspect, especially with so many in our nation out of work.
My heart goes out to all of my readers who have struggled to make ends meet. Many are those who have done without basic necessities in order to put food on the table and gas in the tank. Countless hours have been spent at the job you really don't like because you knew that it was the only way to keep your head above water and your family off of food stamps. Dealing with unappreciative employers, low wages, lack of insurance, and not enough vacation days. If this describes you, a prayer in my heart and a thank you on my lips goes out for you. You have sacrificed much and you love much and now you are facing the worst time of your life dealing with layoffs and possibly losing your home and even much, much more. In these times you cannot go wrong if you turn it all over to God and expect him to come to your rescue.

As for this recent continuation of the mortgage mess? What else can I say but this is just another spoke in the wheel of our recent economic nightmare that at one time was our American dream.

Unemployed Benefits in Jeopardy: Thanks Senator Bunning!

Good morning friends. I have been watching C-Span again and have come across something that I felt I should comment on. 

It seems that Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky has been playing a game of keep-away with the nations unemployment benefits. Many of our unemployed Americans were due for their benefits to run out the last day of February 2010 and Bunning was not in favor of extending them, folks he was the sole objector! It seems sad and ridiculous that one person in the Senate can stop the extensions of benefits for millions but sadly this is the case. I hear that he cannot continue this for long though, he is just stalling the inevitable. But here's the real story here: Bunning's stall game  is the unemployed workers worse nightmare. Those workers as well as their employers both paid toward future need of drawing out those benefits so it is certainly not like they are unworthy to collect them. Surely Bunning feels he has nothing to lose by doing this to the American citizens as he is not up for re-election. Unemployment benefits are hardly ever equal to a regular pay check and are only enough to keep a family's head above water so why on earth would one man in the Senate object to doing the right thing? There is only one answer to this question and it is that Senator Bunning has a cold heart and cannot relate to the needs of average working Americans. Tell me what else it could be? I know all about Paygo, etc. But there was certainly enough money for an unjust war with Iraq wasn't there? There was certainly enough money when Bush and Bunning and the others were pushing tax cuts for the rich wasn't there? Sure there was.. and now that the common men and women of America are in need of unemployment extensions this scoundrel is going to object? Give me a break.

Bunning no doubt receives a salary upwards of 200,000. He is not worried about having health-care and surely does not worry about retirement. Contrast that with the average American worker who is laid off and has lost their health-care, hopes of retirement and a weekly paycheck!

Why do we have our Senate set up like this where one person can object to extending benefits? It is utterly obscene that one person can cause the pain and suffering for so many. Surely this morning those in the Senate will continue their wrangling and silliness but I don't think anything they do will end up in favor of extending the benefits for another week or so. One or two weeks of late unemployment checks can totally devastate a family. Mark my words, there will be long drawn out repercussions of Bunnings actions upon the laid-off citizens of our country. Now they are speaking about Medicare payments being in jeopardy because of their recent actions.

You can read more at the Huffington Post: Here are related articles and I find the comments from readers interesting to say the least.

Jim Bunning Impasse Puts Federal Employees Out Of Work

Bunning Objects to Extending Unemployment Benefits...Again (Video)